Being pregnant is a very strange time full of confusion and deep thinking. It's one of those things you really don't understand until you are experiencing it and even then, you only REALLY understand your own unique experience.
The thing that blows me away is how much it makes me feel like a basic animal. We like to think of ourselves as humans, not animals, forgetting that humans are just a type of animal. Suddenly when you are pregnant, there is a very natural and animal like thing happening in your body. There is a baby growing and moving and living inside your abdomen! Your body changes, your hormones are out of whack and at some point that baby is going to come out and need your constant attention. I tell you when you feel a baby in your belly kick or have hiccups or roll over... You've never felt more like just another mammal. So here I am... A mammal of the human variety, producing offspring. It's a very weird an humbling feeling... But very cool :)
Monday, November 5, 2012
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Hide or Embrace?
I have a wierd thought today but one that I think most people can relate to... Is it really better to try to forget/ignore the negative things that happen in our lives or should we face them head on and learn to live with them? I suppose I've always been on the side of dealing with struggles and learning from them rather than to pretend they didn't happen.
I have a friend that I will keep anonymous, just in case anyone reads this, that had a terrible accident a few years ago. It was quite life changing and extremely difficult for them and their family. It seems that most if not all of them have chosen to forget it ever happened. They don't like to talk about it, even in a casual conversation. It's like a giant elephant in the room that no one wants to admit is there.
I'm not saying this family is doing anything wrong, it's just not the way I do things. I tend to be willing to talk about any and everything that has happened in my life for the good or the bad, so for me, this is a strange way to handle things. I've asked questions about it to this family and the majority of the time I get short, simple and finite answers. I've asked the person that was in the accident about it and they don't even know a lot of the details because their family didn't talk to her about it and she was unconscious for part of it.
So my question is this... is it better to pretend it didn't happen and go on with life? or is it better to be open and discuss it so it's a part of your life?
My opinion is that talking about difficult things can be therapeutic and hiding from it can be emotionally disturbing... but that's just me.
I have a friend that I will keep anonymous, just in case anyone reads this, that had a terrible accident a few years ago. It was quite life changing and extremely difficult for them and their family. It seems that most if not all of them have chosen to forget it ever happened. They don't like to talk about it, even in a casual conversation. It's like a giant elephant in the room that no one wants to admit is there.
I'm not saying this family is doing anything wrong, it's just not the way I do things. I tend to be willing to talk about any and everything that has happened in my life for the good or the bad, so for me, this is a strange way to handle things. I've asked questions about it to this family and the majority of the time I get short, simple and finite answers. I've asked the person that was in the accident about it and they don't even know a lot of the details because their family didn't talk to her about it and she was unconscious for part of it.
So my question is this... is it better to pretend it didn't happen and go on with life? or is it better to be open and discuss it so it's a part of your life?
My opinion is that talking about difficult things can be therapeutic and hiding from it can be emotionally disturbing... but that's just me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Ugly Ex
I don't know why this has been on my mind today but I wonder... why is it that girls seem to be happy if they find out their ex is dating or got married to someone less attractive? It seems that I hear my friends (and sometimes me) feel better knowing that their ex ended up with someone that wasn't as attractive as they are. To me that makes no sense! Especially if the ex dumped you! If a guy dumps you and ends up with someone uglier... shouldn't that make you feel bad cause even though you were prettier than that other girl, you weren't interesting enough to keep him on the hook!? It seems that men value appearance quite substantially so if they found someone less attractive and chose to marry them... that just means your personality wasn't enough to keep them around even if you were gorgeous! It just doesn't make much sense to me.
The truth is that in the end... it shouldn't matter who they end up with... if it's not you, it doesn't matter who!
The truth is that in the end... it shouldn't matter who they end up with... if it's not you, it doesn't matter who!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Not that my opinion of a movie really means much, I still like to share it ;) I'd like to consider myself an educated film viewer but in the end it's just an opinion...
First of all let me just say.... there are no spoilers in my review.
Ok so I have mixed feelings about this movie. I was a pirate fanatic when the first three came out. I think I went to all the midnight showings and I saw the first one 5 times in the theater. I loved the action and the adventure and I still think the first movie is beyond amazing! I know a lot of people didn't like the 2nd or 3rd but I quite enjoyed them. I thought they were filled with fun, fantasy, creativity and great choreography. While they didn't really match up to the 1st, they were still good and I didn't understand why so many people thought they were terrible. So moving on to the 4th installment...
The first half hour of the movie was really choppy and to be honest... not really necessary to the rest of the film. They were trying to get everyone caught up as to what's going on and where the story is going to go but it was not very well played out. It jumped around a lot, had a lot of confusing dialogue and again, didn't really pertain to the rest of the movie. They could've accomplished just as much in 5 minutes as they did in that whole half hour. After that... things got better. The movie started to have a rhythm and felt more like the pirate movies preceding it.
The mermaids were actually very tastefully handled for the most part. When they became somewhat vampireish I sort of lost interest. If I wanted to see a horror film about mermaids, I would've, well, done that! The filming was so flashy that you could barely tell what was happening and it was quite gruesome.
I enjoyed the story line of the missionary who believed in the goodness of people even if he seemed a little naive. He was a breath of fresh air amongst all the lying and cheating... although I love the sneaky pirates!
As far as casting... I was nervous about Penelope Cruz in this movie but she didn't do a bad job. She didn't blow me away or anything but I thought she fit the role quite well. Blackbeard was awesome and really seemed like pure evil. I'll admit I'm a little tender hearted and sometimes his actions made me feel a little uneasy but that just makes me believe that he did his job well. Of course Captain Jack Sparrow is the one most people go to see and he was his usual self, only his hair was slightly blonde and there was no explaination for it. Barbosa was great as always. I think he's my favorite character throughout the series. I think the lack of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan was long overdue. Even though I liked the 2nd and 3rd movies, I always felt that they should focus on the pirates going on different adventures and not keep the same cast other than the pirates.
So here's my overall opinion... The 4th movie was less family friendly by having more sexual inuendos and lot more cleavage.(some may like that and some may not.) This movie followed the darker mood of the 2nd and 3rd. I really wanted to love this movie and be super glad they didn't stop making pirate movies but in all honesty... it was just ok. It wasn't horrible and wasn't spectacular. I was nervous it'd be horrible having been so long since the last one and perhaps wearing out it's welcome but it was a good addition to the franchise. I think that I would've enjoyed it more if Will and Elizabeth hadn't been in all 3 prior to this one. If each movie would've been a different adventure with new people, I probably would've been raving about this one but it felt sort like an after thought... like it was an add-on to the trilogy. Would I buy this movie? Yes. But mostly cause I want to have the collection complete. Would I go see it in the theater again? Maybe, if a friend invited me and I had nothing better to do. So on a scale of 1-10, I'd give it about a 7.... maybe a 6.5.
First of all let me just say.... there are no spoilers in my review.
Ok so I have mixed feelings about this movie. I was a pirate fanatic when the first three came out. I think I went to all the midnight showings and I saw the first one 5 times in the theater. I loved the action and the adventure and I still think the first movie is beyond amazing! I know a lot of people didn't like the 2nd or 3rd but I quite enjoyed them. I thought they were filled with fun, fantasy, creativity and great choreography. While they didn't really match up to the 1st, they were still good and I didn't understand why so many people thought they were terrible. So moving on to the 4th installment...
The first half hour of the movie was really choppy and to be honest... not really necessary to the rest of the film. They were trying to get everyone caught up as to what's going on and where the story is going to go but it was not very well played out. It jumped around a lot, had a lot of confusing dialogue and again, didn't really pertain to the rest of the movie. They could've accomplished just as much in 5 minutes as they did in that whole half hour. After that... things got better. The movie started to have a rhythm and felt more like the pirate movies preceding it.
The mermaids were actually very tastefully handled for the most part. When they became somewhat vampireish I sort of lost interest. If I wanted to see a horror film about mermaids, I would've, well, done that! The filming was so flashy that you could barely tell what was happening and it was quite gruesome.
I enjoyed the story line of the missionary who believed in the goodness of people even if he seemed a little naive. He was a breath of fresh air amongst all the lying and cheating... although I love the sneaky pirates!
As far as casting... I was nervous about Penelope Cruz in this movie but she didn't do a bad job. She didn't blow me away or anything but I thought she fit the role quite well. Blackbeard was awesome and really seemed like pure evil. I'll admit I'm a little tender hearted and sometimes his actions made me feel a little uneasy but that just makes me believe that he did his job well. Of course Captain Jack Sparrow is the one most people go to see and he was his usual self, only his hair was slightly blonde and there was no explaination for it. Barbosa was great as always. I think he's my favorite character throughout the series. I think the lack of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan was long overdue. Even though I liked the 2nd and 3rd movies, I always felt that they should focus on the pirates going on different adventures and not keep the same cast other than the pirates.
So here's my overall opinion... The 4th movie was less family friendly by having more sexual inuendos and lot more cleavage.(some may like that and some may not.) This movie followed the darker mood of the 2nd and 3rd. I really wanted to love this movie and be super glad they didn't stop making pirate movies but in all honesty... it was just ok. It wasn't horrible and wasn't spectacular. I was nervous it'd be horrible having been so long since the last one and perhaps wearing out it's welcome but it was a good addition to the franchise. I think that I would've enjoyed it more if Will and Elizabeth hadn't been in all 3 prior to this one. If each movie would've been a different adventure with new people, I probably would've been raving about this one but it felt sort like an after thought... like it was an add-on to the trilogy. Would I buy this movie? Yes. But mostly cause I want to have the collection complete. Would I go see it in the theater again? Maybe, if a friend invited me and I had nothing better to do. So on a scale of 1-10, I'd give it about a 7.... maybe a 6.5.
Friday, May 20, 2011
How Do You Let Go?
I'm sure this won't be interesting to anyone, it's actually really personal but I have needed to talk about this for a long time but can't seem to find the right person to talk to about it. So I guess my blog will have to do.
I guess you could say I've always been the type of person that clings to people. I'm not quick to make friends but if I find someone that I want to be friends with, I tend to just cling... there's no other word that I can think of right now. Anyway one of those people was my best friend in high school. I met him in my Sophomore year while watching Spartacus in World Civ. I instantly knew I needed to know him. We were both sort of off-beat and in our own worlds.
We became friends and of course, like any teenage girl, I fell in love with him... or at least what I thought was love at that time. I never told him that I liked him that way, I cared too much about our friendship to ruin it... or to be honest, I didn't want to be rejected. We were really good friends all through our high school years, in fact most of my memories of high school involved him in some way. Whether it was chasing each other down the hall during lunch having a water bottle fight or yelling "kiss her!" out the second story windows to the awkward couples passing by below, we had so much fun! Of course all the while I was pining away for him because all teenage girls want someone that they can't have or don't dare try for. I was raving mad when he didn't show up at yearbook signing day because I really wanted him to sign my yearbook. I was so irritated that I took it to his house and made him sign it, which most people would've thought was crazy but he actually was glad I did and asked me to sign his.
Most of this is not really important, maybe I just want to remind myself that our friendship wasn't just a figment of my imagination. So many times I thought maybe he cared about me like I did for him but I always talked myself down off my cloud. We went to a dance together and it was the funnest dance I went to all of high school. He even eluded to the fact that he wanted to tell me something but didn't know how to... that killed me for weeks! After high school I saw him a few times, but not much. He took off on an LDS mission to the Bahia Blanca Argentina... I had a lot of friends that left on missions all over the world but his is the only one I still remember. I wrote him a few times. Some of the letters I wrote never got sent... I just needed to write them but knew I didn't dare let him read them so I kept them. When he got back from his mission I don't really know what I expected. Of course I was hoping that maybe he'd come home and realize how much I meant to him and we'd live happily ever after... but something quite different happened.
We started hanging out again, even more than in high school. I remembered why I was such a big fan of his and why I missed him so much. Then I started to notice that he wasn't perfect! Maybe it was the "teenage goggles" coming off for the first time but he wasn't the dreamboat I had been pining over, he was just a guy. Just a friend. I no longer wanted him to want me, in fact I didn't want him like that at all anymore. I just wanted to be his friend. We went to movies and concerts and talked about people we were dating and I was so happy to just be his friend without the heart wrenching torment I had in high school. It was comfortable and I was content.
One day he came over and we had a really long talk. He told me that he had been struggling for a while and feeling like he was unimportant and no one cared about him. I don't have a very good memory but this one memory has stuck with me like glue. We stood on the driveway of my brother's house where I was living and I finally said what I'd wanted to for all those years. It went something like this... "Look, I have to tell you something and you might think it's wierd but I have to say it... I love you. Not in a romantic way, maybe it used to be but right now, I just need you to know that I love you as a friend and if you really think no one cares about you, you're wrong. I worry about you and I care about you and you're not alone." I don't know that I even realized it until that moment that I really did love him with that friendship kind of love. That teenager inside of me was relieved and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had said those three words that had plagued me for years. Like I said, I don't have a good memory but as clear as anything, I can still see the look on his face from when I said that... It was confusion, appreciation and relief almost. We never talked about that night again, nor did those words come up again but I needed to say them.
Perhaps I wasted too much time with all of that but I don't think anyone could really understand the part that this all comes to without that back story. I've dated a lot of guys... some worthwhile and most not. I've broken hearts and been hurt as well. But no one has ever broken my heart like this friend did. One day my friend and I were talking and he said he was moving to Arizona for the summer, that he just needed to get away for a while. He even asked me if I wanted to come with him and we could be roommates. As much as I would've liked to, I had a job and other commitments here. I told him we needed to hang out before he left and he said he'd be back in a month for a week and we could hang out then. He even called me while he was on the road driving to Arizona for the first time. That was the last time I talked to him.
I tried to call him but got a message saying the number had been disconnected. I tried to text him with no response. He doesn't have an email address or facebook or myspace, etc. I kept trying just in case I was confused. After a couple months I called his old work, his father's company, and asked if they had any contact information for him. They didn't. I checked with some of our other friends from high school and no one had heard from him or knew how to get a hold of him. I knew something was wrong when he didn't go to one of his best friends from high school's wedding. I found his sister-in-law who I had met a few times and asked her over facebook what was going on. She said he was still in Arizona and has pretty much chosen to cut everyone out of his life. He still contacted his brother from time to time to let him know he was ok but that was it. She said he just needed time to sort things out.
As the months went by, I kept hoping he'd call or something... how could he just not want to talk to me ever again? I knew that he didn't just do this to me but I felt like it was personal. He was leaving me forever and I didn't know how to handle it. I started having dreams from time to time. I tend to dream a lot but not about the same things. I dreampt that I ran into him a party and I ran and cried cause I was so upset with him. He came to comfort me and told me that he wished I would've come with him because he loved me. I dreampt that I smacked him across the face when I saw him and told him how much of a coward he was and how much he hurt me. Sometimes they are happy and sometimes they are sad but when I wake up it's all the same... I just feel a loss, a sense of emptiness. I've thought so many times about what I'd say or do if I ever saw him again. It's been 3 years since I've talked to him or seen him and I still can't shake him. Since that time I've gotten married and I'm almost done with my Bachelor's degree. Life goes on but he still has this hold on me that I can't let go of. He was my best friend, something I don't find everyday.
The last I heard from his sister, he's moved back to Utah and is in school at the U but still doesn't really want to contact anyone. I don't know what hurts more... the fact he left with the goal to cut off everyone he knew, or the fact that he's back and hasn't wanted to get back in touch. Basically what this all boils down to is this... I love this person, I miss this person, I'm hurt by this person... and I can't seem to let go.
I guess you could say I've always been the type of person that clings to people. I'm not quick to make friends but if I find someone that I want to be friends with, I tend to just cling... there's no other word that I can think of right now. Anyway one of those people was my best friend in high school. I met him in my Sophomore year while watching Spartacus in World Civ. I instantly knew I needed to know him. We were both sort of off-beat and in our own worlds.
We became friends and of course, like any teenage girl, I fell in love with him... or at least what I thought was love at that time. I never told him that I liked him that way, I cared too much about our friendship to ruin it... or to be honest, I didn't want to be rejected. We were really good friends all through our high school years, in fact most of my memories of high school involved him in some way. Whether it was chasing each other down the hall during lunch having a water bottle fight or yelling "kiss her!" out the second story windows to the awkward couples passing by below, we had so much fun! Of course all the while I was pining away for him because all teenage girls want someone that they can't have or don't dare try for. I was raving mad when he didn't show up at yearbook signing day because I really wanted him to sign my yearbook. I was so irritated that I took it to his house and made him sign it, which most people would've thought was crazy but he actually was glad I did and asked me to sign his.
Most of this is not really important, maybe I just want to remind myself that our friendship wasn't just a figment of my imagination. So many times I thought maybe he cared about me like I did for him but I always talked myself down off my cloud. We went to a dance together and it was the funnest dance I went to all of high school. He even eluded to the fact that he wanted to tell me something but didn't know how to... that killed me for weeks! After high school I saw him a few times, but not much. He took off on an LDS mission to the Bahia Blanca Argentina... I had a lot of friends that left on missions all over the world but his is the only one I still remember. I wrote him a few times. Some of the letters I wrote never got sent... I just needed to write them but knew I didn't dare let him read them so I kept them. When he got back from his mission I don't really know what I expected. Of course I was hoping that maybe he'd come home and realize how much I meant to him and we'd live happily ever after... but something quite different happened.
We started hanging out again, even more than in high school. I remembered why I was such a big fan of his and why I missed him so much. Then I started to notice that he wasn't perfect! Maybe it was the "teenage goggles" coming off for the first time but he wasn't the dreamboat I had been pining over, he was just a guy. Just a friend. I no longer wanted him to want me, in fact I didn't want him like that at all anymore. I just wanted to be his friend. We went to movies and concerts and talked about people we were dating and I was so happy to just be his friend without the heart wrenching torment I had in high school. It was comfortable and I was content.
One day he came over and we had a really long talk. He told me that he had been struggling for a while and feeling like he was unimportant and no one cared about him. I don't have a very good memory but this one memory has stuck with me like glue. We stood on the driveway of my brother's house where I was living and I finally said what I'd wanted to for all those years. It went something like this... "Look, I have to tell you something and you might think it's wierd but I have to say it... I love you. Not in a romantic way, maybe it used to be but right now, I just need you to know that I love you as a friend and if you really think no one cares about you, you're wrong. I worry about you and I care about you and you're not alone." I don't know that I even realized it until that moment that I really did love him with that friendship kind of love. That teenager inside of me was relieved and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had said those three words that had plagued me for years. Like I said, I don't have a good memory but as clear as anything, I can still see the look on his face from when I said that... It was confusion, appreciation and relief almost. We never talked about that night again, nor did those words come up again but I needed to say them.
Perhaps I wasted too much time with all of that but I don't think anyone could really understand the part that this all comes to without that back story. I've dated a lot of guys... some worthwhile and most not. I've broken hearts and been hurt as well. But no one has ever broken my heart like this friend did. One day my friend and I were talking and he said he was moving to Arizona for the summer, that he just needed to get away for a while. He even asked me if I wanted to come with him and we could be roommates. As much as I would've liked to, I had a job and other commitments here. I told him we needed to hang out before he left and he said he'd be back in a month for a week and we could hang out then. He even called me while he was on the road driving to Arizona for the first time. That was the last time I talked to him.
I tried to call him but got a message saying the number had been disconnected. I tried to text him with no response. He doesn't have an email address or facebook or myspace, etc. I kept trying just in case I was confused. After a couple months I called his old work, his father's company, and asked if they had any contact information for him. They didn't. I checked with some of our other friends from high school and no one had heard from him or knew how to get a hold of him. I knew something was wrong when he didn't go to one of his best friends from high school's wedding. I found his sister-in-law who I had met a few times and asked her over facebook what was going on. She said he was still in Arizona and has pretty much chosen to cut everyone out of his life. He still contacted his brother from time to time to let him know he was ok but that was it. She said he just needed time to sort things out.
As the months went by, I kept hoping he'd call or something... how could he just not want to talk to me ever again? I knew that he didn't just do this to me but I felt like it was personal. He was leaving me forever and I didn't know how to handle it. I started having dreams from time to time. I tend to dream a lot but not about the same things. I dreampt that I ran into him a party and I ran and cried cause I was so upset with him. He came to comfort me and told me that he wished I would've come with him because he loved me. I dreampt that I smacked him across the face when I saw him and told him how much of a coward he was and how much he hurt me. Sometimes they are happy and sometimes they are sad but when I wake up it's all the same... I just feel a loss, a sense of emptiness. I've thought so many times about what I'd say or do if I ever saw him again. It's been 3 years since I've talked to him or seen him and I still can't shake him. Since that time I've gotten married and I'm almost done with my Bachelor's degree. Life goes on but he still has this hold on me that I can't let go of. He was my best friend, something I don't find everyday.
The last I heard from his sister, he's moved back to Utah and is in school at the U but still doesn't really want to contact anyone. I don't know what hurts more... the fact he left with the goal to cut off everyone he knew, or the fact that he's back and hasn't wanted to get back in touch. Basically what this all boils down to is this... I love this person, I miss this person, I'm hurt by this person... and I can't seem to let go.
Control...
This is something I wrote back in March of 2008. I've posted it before on Facebook so it's nothing new but I've read it over and over again to remind myself of the confidence I had when I wrote it. I figured it's a good start to having confidence in this blog...
Control? Who has it? Who wants it?
I've been thinking a lot lately about Control. What does it mean to be in control? I used to think that being in Control would mean that I would get everything I wanted. I would be able to choose what I wanted, how I wanted it, when I'd get it, etc.
But what I've come to realize is that Control doesn't guarantee that at all! I may want to Control my life and get exactly what I want but ultimately the only thing that I have Control over is myself. I can't create every situation that I want to happen and I can't stop the ones that scare me. But I can chose how I react to the experiences I'm faced with. For example, someone cuts me off while I'm driving. I couldn't Control the fact that they did it, but I can Control how I let it affect me. Do I want to be angry and irritated and let it affect my mood?
More often than not I think most people don't want to be unhappy or in a bad mood, yet we allow things like that to alter our emotions. That's right I said, allow. By giving someone else the Control over our emotions, we are making a conscious decision to stop being in Control. I think that a true self awareness and peace can come from learning how to be in complete Control over our emotions and reactions. However there is one contradictory thought that keeps bothering me... Can all that Control really be the best way to go? I mean there is something to be said for experiencing the ups and downs of life and feeling different emotions. By Controlling ourselves so much are we also somehow losing Control of the life experiences we all should go through?
Ok so I'm rambling and maybe none of this makes sense to anyone but me. It's all a jumbled up mess in my head. If you have any insight, I'd be so happy to hear it! To sum up the only things I know to be true concerning this matter are these...
1. Only you can make yourself feel anything, no one has power over your emotions unless you give it to them.
I've been thinking a lot lately about Control. What does it mean to be in control? I used to think that being in Control would mean that I would get everything I wanted. I would be able to choose what I wanted, how I wanted it, when I'd get it, etc.
But what I've come to realize is that Control doesn't guarantee that at all! I may want to Control my life and get exactly what I want but ultimately the only thing that I have Control over is myself. I can't create every situation that I want to happen and I can't stop the ones that scare me. But I can chose how I react to the experiences I'm faced with. For example, someone cuts me off while I'm driving. I couldn't Control the fact that they did it, but I can Control how I let it affect me. Do I want to be angry and irritated and let it affect my mood?
More often than not I think most people don't want to be unhappy or in a bad mood, yet we allow things like that to alter our emotions. That's right I said, allow. By giving someone else the Control over our emotions, we are making a conscious decision to stop being in Control. I think that a true self awareness and peace can come from learning how to be in complete Control over our emotions and reactions. However there is one contradictory thought that keeps bothering me... Can all that Control really be the best way to go? I mean there is something to be said for experiencing the ups and downs of life and feeling different emotions. By Controlling ourselves so much are we also somehow losing Control of the life experiences we all should go through?
Ok so I'm rambling and maybe none of this makes sense to anyone but me. It's all a jumbled up mess in my head. If you have any insight, I'd be so happy to hear it! To sum up the only things I know to be true concerning this matter are these...
1. Only you can make yourself feel anything, no one has power over your emotions unless you give it to them.
2. There are some things in life we have absolutely no Control over so why waste your energy worrying or trying to find sense in it?
3. There is not perfect answer. Sometimes you have to settle for something that works for the most part and stop trying to make everything make perfect sense.
My First Post
Here I am world... please don't reject me! Ok seriously, I'm not blogging because I need approval, I just need somewhere to put down some thoughts. I've had many friends tell me that they have no idea how I can live inside this brain of mine... I'm a non-stop thinker and it drives me and everyone around me crazy most of the time. Maybe if I can write some things down, my brain can slow down and give me a break. So whether anyone reads this or if it's just a journal, here I am world... take it or leave it! :)
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